I did it. I moved home. After twelve. Long. Years. So happy. Not without challenge or struggle. Ongoing, actually. But, totally worth it.
Let me tell you a secret. Life isn't all puppies and rainbows. Far from it, actually. Starting at a very young age for most. Later for those who are a bit luckier. I do pity those who have a blessed life, though. How can you know what life has to offer if you never have to experience anything but bliss? No matter.
I lay here in my new old house. It's slightly scary, especially compared to the house I just sold/left, but I've found comfort here. And it's home. And my biggest regret today is that I did not go outside and greet my river. Isn't it ... awakening, that when you live by a river, lake, ocean or stream that you feel this connection to the water? Since forever, I have a connection with the lake I grew up on and my daugher knows that when I die, I am to be cremated and my ashes given back to my lake. The river pulled me to this house. Just like a fire, you can watch a body of water for no good reason. Just watch it and be enamored of it. It has life. It is a presence to be reckoned with. If you underestimate its presence, you will likely be reminded of it in a severe way. Respect the energy of every presence, human or otherwise. Else you be foolish and taught a lesson.
For now, I enjoy what I thought would never come. I allow myself to sit in the reality of it. I hear. I smell. I see. I love. Always love. Without love. Of land. Of family. Of mere existence. There is nothing.